mood: drunk

Let's see, where to start... I've neglected to write in this for quite some time now, but I feel that most of the things that've happened shouldn't be left out.

Morgan, Heather, and a couple of their friends asked me to go to homecoming with them, and I was reluctant at first- for good reason.  I wasn't exactly on good terms with most of the people that I knew at North; but as it turns out, almost no one my age was there.  It did, however, lift my spirits quite a bit when Danielle spotted me, and yelled out to the whole colorguard team, "It's Jess!  Jess is back!" and they all bowled me over with hugs.  It was sweet, and it really makes me realize just how much I miss colorguard.  I've already looked into all the different schools I could attend from this apartment complex in Florida, but none of them have anything even remotely similar to a colorguard team.  Anyway, at the dance, things started out slow and kinda boring, but they picked up after a while, and by the end I was having a blast.  It absolutely made my year when they played the 'Numa Numa' song XD I cracked up, and Morgan and I spent the whole time mocking the Numa Numa Dance.  By the time I went home, I'd lost my voice again- surprise surprise.

The next morning (6:30 am flight... stupid dad) I went out to Florida to check out the apartment complex I'm going to be staying in next semester... it was actually really cool-looking.  The apartments are really nice; un-furnished (which means shopping... teehee :3) and best of all, they allow pets.  I was so overwhelmingly relieved to hear that.  I really didn't want to have to give Kai away.  Of course, now I'm arguing with my parents as to how we're going to get him down there... they don't want to drive 26 hours, and I don't want to trust my pint-sized bird to some airline service.  If he didn't get killed by some careless workers tossing his cage around, he'd probably freeze to death in the cargo hold.  No way in hell I'm trusting him to an airline.

I know for sure I'm going there, now:  I got an acceptance letter in the mail the other day.  I'm terrified and excited at the same time.  I've never moved in my life, and I'm not the most assertive person in the world, so I'm worried about how I'm going to make friends.  Talking to Joe yesterday made me feel a little bit better, but I'm really worried about how I'm going to miss everyone here.  Right about now I'd give anything to be able to sit down with Kristen, Kelle, or Kami and have a heart-to-heart, but they're all off living their own lives now.  I really can't bring myself to stay mad at Kami, I'm just sad that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I'm actually back on Gaia again, but I was royally pissed off when I logged in for the first time in six months, and my avatar didn't have any of her clothes on.  I had to work from scratch to get them back- and I still haven't gotten them all back- but I did open up an art commission shop, and it's earning me a lot.  DA has also become a favorite place to spend my time- I'm doing art trades with a number of incredible artists, and the pictures that they've drawn for me, mostly of Rina, are absolutely amazing!  I'm absolutely swamped with requests between the trades on DA and commissions on Gaia.  Somehow, though, I've found time to actually update my stories on fanfiction.net- for some reason, I only get inspiration to write when I don't have the time for it o_o; Weird, ne?  Anywho, the encouragement I'm getting on the stories is very gratifying.

I'm supposed to be going grocery shopping right now, so I'd better get home so I can get the list done and go do that.  Ciao for now.

"Yeah, and Raven totally sucks at video games!"
"...Just because you glued the controller to my hands doesn't mean I want to play."

- Beast Boy and Raven, 'Teen Titans'

mood: aggravated

Ahem.  I have a problem to address, as some 'anonymous' people seem to not know this as it is.  I would like to remind everyone that the only reason this journal exists is to be my venting outlet for frustration, and for that reason, I don't usually encourage IRL friends to read it.  I have a different journal for that, on xanga.  I don't always mean everything that I say, because, like I said- it's an outlet for me when I feel like bitching.  Okay?  Okay.  I don't think that this gives certain 'other people' the right to be angry at me for what I post.  I acknowledge that yes, I have been neglecting to call some people while I've been in my little pity-party for one, but it doesn't mean that I'm necessarily talking about you when I refer to people that haven't called me.  I would be happy to spend time with people, if you'd like to kindly remind me that I have not called them.  I was mostly referring to people that don't read this journal, and don't give a damn about my personal life.

*Sigh* Anywho... sorry for that little outburst.  I just needed to rant a little, since it's a Monday, and I'm quite aggravated.  Stupid computer operating systems class and stupid programming labs... ick.

I have those pictures I referred to before up on my gallery, so check them out by clicking on the link if you wish.  A number of people have offered to draw Rina for me, and I'm quite happy about that :D I luff fanart.

http://kazui.deviantart.com/

"Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to slam a revolving door."

- Anonymous

mood: lethargic

So, what to bitch about today... I've been in an artistic mood lately, so I've got some new pictures almost finished. I'll probably post them on deviantart once they're finished, so don't get your panties in a twist. Let's see... this weekend I did a whole lot of... nothing! And even more nothing! We all love nothing, don't we? I haven't gotten any phone calls whatsoever in the past three weeks, so I'm just about ready to give up. Joe IMed me yesterday, which was better than nothing, but he had to go after twenty minutes of one-word conversation. Lovely, eh?

Bright side... hmm... I got to see Chris this morning in technical illustration- the only friend that I've made throughout my entire schooling here at ECC.  I don't really even know if he thinks of me as a friend or not- we've only talked and laughed during art class.  Although, sometimes it's just me babbling on about crap while he's working... it's an odd habit of mine.  For some reason, I can't concentrate on my art unless I'm; a.) talking to someone, or b.) watching a movie/show/etc.  Weird, hmm?  I have no idea why it works that way for me, it just does.  Maybe the whole process of thinking ruins my art, ne?  I'll probably run into trouble with that in my art classes, but for now, oh well.

I'm getting worried about Maddeh and Chasi... I haven't seen either of them online in a long time, and Chasi only answers my emails once every few days... I wonder if they're okay.  I probably know what it's like to be depressed better than anyone, so I don't plan to just sit back and wait until it passes.  However, aside from emailing them, I don't know if there's anything I can do... agh, I hate life.  Just when you think things are going to get better, they start to go downhill again.  I'm still nervous about this whole 'moving to Florida' thing... I want to do something with Kami, but it's hard to believe that she even cares anymore.  No calls, no emails, no IMs... no doubt that we'll fall permanantly out of touch when I'm gone.  It's really not fair.  I'm not going to start bitching about that again, so I might as well go off and do my computer operating systems homework.

Later.

"'Elbow grease'?  How stupid do they think I am?  Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sargeant."

- Donut, 'Red vs. Blue'

mood: gloomy

I've been trying to get something with Kami and Jim going for the past few weeks, but they always seem to be busy, and to be perfectly honest, they don't seem like they're jumping at the chance to spend time with me. I'm not mad about it or anything, it just... saddens me, I guess. I always thought of Kami as my best friend, the one person who understood me- but now that she has Jim, she's practically forgotten that I exist. Is finding a guy really the first and foremost priority in her life? I'm perfectly content to be single at the moment... who knows, maybe one day I'll fall madly in love and all that will change... but it's hard to picture that ever happening. I always thought my friends were all I would ever need, but with them gone, there isn't much to believe in anymore. I'm not getting depressed again or anything- at least not like I was before, but it just kinda sucks. I'm not an important factor in anyone's life anymore (excluding my parents, they don't count), and I feel kind of foolish because I keep continuing to try to reach out to my friends. I don't know how hard it will be to let them go permanently when I leave, but it doesn't seem like it'll be a problem for them.

That's another thing I haven't quite come to terms with. It's hard to imagine that in a few months I'll be leaving everything and everyone I've ever known and loved and starting a new life halfway across the country. Yeah, it sucks, but for some reason I can't bring myself to be mad at my parents for it. Who knows? It might actually do me some good. The apartment complex I'm staying at looks kinda cool in the brochures- a pool, kitchens, spacious living areas... but that's overlooking the fact that I'll be living under someone else's rules instead of my parents'. Tutoring, social skills groups, living skills training... ugh. I'm not looking forward to that. At the same time, though, I will be living far, far away from my parents, with a roommate, and going to college... that has very few art classes, if any at all. I've got mixed feelings about all this. It's harder to deal with since I don't have anyone to talk to about it, but no one deserves to be on the receiving end of my emotional garbage. I guess that's why I vent here. Maybe the satisfaction is more from the fact that I'm writing this down, and will be able to look back on it one day and smile.

I think part of me is jealous that my friends were all able to so easily move on with their lives while I'm left behind, still clinging to what used to be. Where am I going in life? My brother is married, Kami is engaged, Kelle and Kristen are off at successful colleges to start the careers they want- not to mention they both have someone waiting for them... and what do I have? Overbearing parents, struggling with simple college classes... it seems likely now more than ever that I'll end up alone. I have trouble making friends; I'm insecure and untrusting, I lack the nerve to speak up and take a risk- to make myself vulnerable to people... how miserable am I going to be in Florida when I can't make any friends? At least I was always comforted by the fact that here I could delude myself into thinking that someday things will go back to the way they were. I've known Kelle and Kristen since we were seven years old... I've never had to move before. Being away at Second Nature nearly tore me apart in those two months, and I was so relieved when my parents decided to bring me home. I could see my friends again; be a part of their lives again, like they were so much a part of mine... but my homecoming wasn't anything like I'd imagined. Maybe it had ripped me in half to be without them, but they'd learned just fine how to get along without me. I pretended not to notice so I wouldn't have to face and accept it, but I can't overlook it anymore. I'm not a part of their lives any longer- and all evidence leads to the suggestion that I never will be again. While the idea of living without them is excruciatingly painful to me, it's just "weird" to them. Maybe a bit uncomfortable and unnerving at most, but nothing like what I feel. I can't be mad at them for it, either- it's not their fault that I can't let go of the past. They were never obligated to be more than a shoulder to lean on, a confidante to talk to.

I guess I'm just bitching again, so I'll leave it at that. If anyone actually reads this entire thing, wow, you have too much spare time on your hands. But thanks for sharing my emotional garbage with me.